She’s a Superstar…

Molly Shannon on the red carpet as a 'Superstar!'

Mothers are notorious for telling their children they can be — or do – anything they want in life.  This is not, as I suspect some teenagers may believe, an attempt to blow sunshine up the dark orifices of an entire generation.  Rather, it is a mother’s keen understanding of the true possibility and potential of her offspring.  It’s our little way of saying, “Hey kid, make good choices and stay out of your own way, and you’ll go far in life.”  We’re trying to inspire confidence, for God’s sake.  You’re WELCOME. 

(Also, we happen to truly believe that you are fantastic. Gratitude can be expressed in your choice of especially thoughtful Mother’s Day gifts or by successfully completing adolescence without the need to be bailed out of anywhere.  Take your pick.)

While most of us fall into the category of “could have climbed a little higher on the life ladder if we’d only had a tad more nerve and the discipline to forego 10-20 fewer Saturday night keggers,” there are some people who come into this world as a force of nature.  There’s no doubt these little suckers are going somewhere…it’s just a semi-frightening matter of whether they choose to use their powers for good or evil. 

Case in point:

Independent third-party predictions for the manner in which Addison will bring the global masses to their collective knees have included President of the United States and cult leader.  These assessments were levied by people I consider to be fairly informed and reliable sources:  her preschool teacher and one of the Hub’s coworkers who is a confirmed hater of small people who are clearly immature and germ-infested. 

Suffice it to say, it was the former who predicted Addison will someday bust up on Barack in Chicago and snip, “Yeah, you were first. In your own little way. But the girls are in the house now, baby, and I am so gonna kick your legacy’s candy ass.”  As the only rooster on his own little chick farm, it’s my bet that he’ll find this at least mildly amusing.

Addison herself, is still in deliberation.  She announced this morning that she would like to be taken to Hollywood…the sooner the better.  I’d like to say that she added something especially funny like, “because I’m a superstar,” but the manner in which this request was delivered clearly denoted that part was implied.  While I”m sure I’d make a smokin’ hot stage mom, my response was to suggest that she wait a few years.  Like until she’s 18 and waited enough tables to come up with her first month’s rent.  Because I’m not footing the bill for super-stardom until she demonstrates a little initiative. Or at least a willingness to perform “Henry Pickle” on cue for family and friends in a manner that truly befits her level of talent and stage presence.  I think it’s important to be practical about these sort of things.

Anyway, given my general lack of cooperativeness, she has currently decided to settle for an as-yet-unplanned trip to Disney World, where she can get her princess on.  Royalty, I suppose, will have to suffice until she can round up the cash for bus fare to the Big Time. 

For my part, I’m glad to have a few more years to see how my tiny tornado takes on the world while still having the safety of our little family to retreat to after a tough day of directing teachers and classmates presumably less qualified for greatness.  I hope she finds a way to keep all her confidence and moxy intact to adulthood.  If she does, the world had better watch out.  The Force is strong with this one…

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12 Responses

  1. I have often wondered if Addison will choose to use her power for good or evil. Most of the time, I think she will just grow up to be exactly who she wants to be…opinions be damned. But sometimes I see this twinkle in her eye…and it’s not like a sweet innocent twinkle…it’s like scary Children of the Corn twinkle….and I wonder: Will this child dominate us all in her adulthood? Should I move to Canada?

    • See, that’s what I’m saying…you just never know, right? Canada is one good option that should be considered. But I wonder if the leaders there will be strong enough to twart any of her master evil plans, lol.

      • I just figure she wouldn’t bother with Canada. She’d be like, “What’s in Canada? Why do I need to rule Canada? Pointless…”

        But no seriously, that girl has serious ideas about what she wants out of life. I plan to just sit back and watch her get it all, lol.

      • Oh my God, I can totally imagine her saying that! I’m with you…in a couple decades we’ll just pop some corn and prepare to be entertained. That is assuming I survive her teenage years, of course :)

  2. I am the child of a mother who was simultaneously disappointed that while I did attend an Ivy League school, it wasn’t Harvard, AND that I didn’t want to join the Air Force as an enlisted man. I have learned the lesson that the only thing to say to one’s spawn when early-onset-adulthood syndrome inspires them to pronounce yet another career choice is, “That is so great! I am right there with you. Just make sure you do the best you can in all that you do.” This pretty much works for everything from Sanitation Engineer (1st choice for my son when he was 6) to Attorney (fall back plan) to President (if nothing else pans out).

    • Harvard, Schmarvard. Parental disppointment (real or perceived) bites the big one, doesn’t it?

      It would be lovely to have something akin to an ‘Easy’ self-editing button that just bleeped out everything that might possibly be misinterpreted. However, in my house it would go off so often as to be seriously annoying. I suppose I’ll just have to keep doing my best and hope the therapy bills don’t kill my 401K.

      P.S. I love how ‘President’ is the third choice, you know, just in case the real dream doesn’t materialize. That’s a ‘dear diary’ moment right there, my friend.

  3. UHHMMM, can I have her autograph before it sells for a million on ebay?

    • Lisa — As soon as she learns cursive, it’ll be in the mail. Seriously.

  4. Umm…my mom said things like “It’s a good thing you’re smart, because you’d better not rely on your looks.” It is possible that she meant IN GENERAL that people should rely on their looks. But let’s just say that that’s not really how a child’s ear will ever hear such a remark.

    However, apparently your wee bundle o’ precious stardom is well attuned to the praise that is evidently orbiting her and one can hope that she remains immune to such demons.

    As for princess-dom, I mean, it’s like it’s written in the stars that tiaras and glass slippers are in her future.

    So really. Why fight it?

    • Oh children do hang onto to those misinterpreted slights for an inconveniently long time, don’t they? I remember when I was about 11, a family friend remarked to my father that someday he’d need a gun to keep the boys away from me. His reply? “Oh yeah, a water gun.”

      As an adult with a much better understanding of how my entire family is genetically programmed to always go for the laugh, I know now that is was a JOKE. But yeah, not exactly how the awkward, insecure 11-year-old took it. Sometimes it’s equally hard being a parent and a kid.

      If you asked Addison, I’m sure she’d say I spend more time nagging than praising. I do try for balance, but it’s hard when the littlest person in the pack secretly (or not so secretly) thinks she’s in charge. Tonight she upped her status: “I can do anything I want. I’m the QUEEN.” See? Never ends with that one :)

  5. These Addison stories are the BEST, love them. I can’t wait to see what she ends up doing. The neatest thing is that she’s going to have all these stories about her, written by you, to look at later on when she’s dominating whatever it will be. Then she can appreciate even more how crazy intelligent her mom is!

    • Ashley — Aw, thanks :) Part of the reason I started this blog was to preserve for posterity all the funny things the kids say and do, as well as my thoughts on motherhood. Some, obviously, won’t be fit for their consumption until they have children of their own. I’m not sure kids can understand things like parental guilt until they are living it for themselves, lol.

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