Alpha Dog Seeks Kinder, Gentler Handlers

There has been a mistake. My daughter is sure of it.  Maybe at the moment of her conception, the Fates were having an off day.  You know, the kind where inexplicable distraction drives you to do horrible things you can’t take back?  Like hitting ‘Reply All’ on an email detailing the many ways in which your boss has lost her mind.  That kind of day.

In at least one of her past lives, I’m quite certain Addison was a serious, ass-kicking monarch.  Like Cleopatra — powerful, idolized and obeyed.  There was no one yanking her chain, incessantly attempting to enforce strange and unreasonable mandates like an 8:00 PM bedtime or three more brussel sprouts.  And there was undoutedly no one who dared raise their voice in defiance or disagreement.  Bottom line, in her last life, Addison was in control. She knew it.  Her subjects knew it.  And all those dudes trying to move in on her stash of coal eyeliner definitely knew it.  Addison was a Hellenistic rock star.  Full stop. Move on, people.

Imagine the injustice of it all.  There you are in the reincarnation line plotting the takeover of your next kingdom, mentally redecorating the pyramid, and wondering why they still haven’t opened a ’20 lives or less’ lane, when BOOM, some idiot pushes the wrong button and you find yourself emerging into the world as the youngest child of two common people who clearly did not get the memo on your past achievements, refined tastes, or highly detailed needs.  ‘Bummer’ does not even begin to cover your disgust. 

Since she was able to form words, our little princess has been amping up to break out and find her real people.  Several months ago, after an exhausting day of trying to make imposter Mommy understand that she couldn’t possibly go to preschool in anything less than a tiara and pink satin, and throwing play phones at ignorant classmates who refused to move promptly to the next activity, she broke it to me:  “You ruin my life.  You’re a ruiner.  And I’m going to find a new family…FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.”

I feel for her.  It must be hard to go from pharaoh to filthy peasant.  And so, because I love her with a fierce and mysterious intensity, I have taken the liberty of enclosing a classified ad I hope will help her find just the right kind of environment to prepare her to fulfill her true destiny.  We will miss her deeply.  Well, her father and I will.  The jury is still out on her big brother…


WANTED:  Former dictator in search of real family.  Grave error made in central processing.  Likely candidates include presidents, kings, or really indulgent rich guys.  Must be currently childless and in need of small, beautiful, but strong-willed little girl to lavish with all of life’s luxuries and mentor to wildly successful business or political top dog.  World leaders with net worth of less than US$2.5 billion need not apply.  Must have fleet of impressive cars, access to or willingness to procure pretty pink ponies, and aversion to brussel sprouts.  Interested parties should forward resume, references and notorized financial statement to  Please reply ASAP; fake family is seriously cramping my style.


10 Responses

  1. This was hysterical, I laughed loudly. Then I read it to my husband, and he laughed loudly. (Cause when I find really funny things, I don’t like for other people to read them, I like to read them to them, because it settles my control issues and makes me feel like the funny one.)

  2. Thanks, Lori. I know how you feel about being the funny one. I selected my own spouse, in large part, due to the fact that he laughed at all my jokes 🙂

  3. Uh yeah…I laughed at loud too. You have such a great voice Laura. I’m seriously jealous. And I don’t know Lori, but her comment makes me laugh and now I’m jealous that you have all of these witty readers in your blogging audience.

    • You crack me up, girl. “All” my witty readers. Lori writes the ‘In Pursuit of Martha Points’ blog. She is funny, but to date, one of two non-family members to comment on this little experiment. I actually found ‘The Bloggess’ by looking at Lori’s links. Turns out you were right. To become inspired, you gotta see what’s out there and be willing to comment on it. Your willingness to shun the corporate world for grad school, coupled with persistent prodding and gracious advice, finally gave me the guts to put my voice out there. I thank you for all of it. Your voice is different than mine, but no less engaging. Believe it, sister 😉

  4. Wow. You are so clearly in the wrong job. Can I be a reader of your book? Chapter by chapter as it’s written? Can’t wait for the whole thing. You sure bring the funny, lady.

    • Oh, you’re such a good friend. Thanks for the encouragement; this is a fun little experiment for me in trying to translate my writing skills into a different ‘voice.’

  5. Art Linkletter, step aside! You have met your sequel author.

    Laura – if you need an agent, let me know so that I can enroll in agent school at the local college. I hope to make a fortune from your writing skills!

    Seriously, you are a great writer. The characters come alive. The humor is uplifting. And the reader wants more. So, when do we get more? Looking forward to the next installment. (And my first commission check!).

    Oh, Simon just gave you a standing O. Randy thinks you’ve “got it”, Ellen starting dancing and Kara wants you to really “feel” your subject (she is so lame, albeit cute).

  6. […] Addison takes a lot of flak from the common folk in our house for her diva-like behavior and natural aptitude for dictatorship.  But really, there’s so much more to her than a proclivity towards reigning supreme over the world around her.    […]

  7. Just brilliant. Yours is my newest, favouritest blog. TG for Freshly Pressed, I might missed your big batch of funny.

    On the lookout for yet more… and thanks for making me laugh *alot* today. I’m telling everyone. Just sayin’.

    cheers, M.

    • Marc — I totally had to check your website before responding to this comment. Because, you know, I can’t go falling in love with just anybody. I have to be selective since I’m already married and I haven’t floated the idea of a harem out to the husband yet. My gut kinda tells me he’ll be cool with it, if for no other reason than it’ll give me more targets for semi-irrational ranting.

      Thanks so much for the fantastic compliment. Please feel free to bully all your friends into stopping by. Look forward to seeing you around and reading more of your stuff as well…

      [P.S. Nice hat.]

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