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Kids on life, love, and armpits. Yes, armpits.

So I was helping Addison get ready for bed last night and as I’m pulling her Hello Kitty t-shirt over her head she asks, “Why do they call them armpits?”  Without waiting for an answer, the 4 year old begins to postulate: “Maybe it’s because they are stuck up there under your arms and they are dark and stinky.  They are the pits.”  ‘Her theorizing continues for no less than five minutes until I am convinced the child has been put on this Earth for the sole purpose of overthrowing a $39.5 billion deodorant and anitperspirant industry and turning it something people can respect, for God’s sake.

It is then, that it hits me.  Some people have kids to complete their families.  Or to start a boy band they can sell into indentured servitude on the Disney Channel.  I had them for material.  Seriously?  It’s a little hard to believe Letterman and Leno need a team of writers.  Then again, they are rich and famous and I’m not.  So they probably know something I don’t.  However, if you have kids and you can’t laugh, you’re spending too much time on your iPod, iPad, or iHaveSoMuchToDoICan’tHearAWordYou’reSaying.

For these comic little creatures, life is interesting.  It is also a joke.  In my house, I am often the butt of it.  But I’m cool with that because after the laughter, astonishment, outrage, and/or guilt subsides, everything I really need to know about life, love and reaching a blissful state of Tibetan monk-like, self-actualization, I can learn from my kids:

  • Know your limits.  And if you don’t, surround yourself with people who do.  I wish Daddy was here.  Why?  Because you need HELP.
  • When you screw up, be sorry. If you do a sin and you’re not really sorry, God will turn you into a bug.
  • Do not set dangerous precedents.  Mommy, why do you do all the work and Daddy just does a little?
  • Set goals, and never, ever give up.  Mommy, you’d have to live 100 years to be as smart as me.
  • Be clear about your expectations. Even if it means alienating your grandmother.  I don’t need people here babysitting me if they’re just going to get me in trouble.
  • Figure out what you want most in life, and go after it.  If you’re broke, find a family member who will support your habit on the cheap.  Grammy and Pap have the “Shark Tales” movie. Maybe we should call them up and see if they’ll sell it to us.
  • Bullies suck.  Don’t be afraid to go to extraordinary lengths to take them out.  For my birthday, I want a hula-hoop and a magic wand.  That way, when people annoy me, I can disappear them.
  • Dream big. Especially if it means eradicating anything remotely resembling gastric reflux. I can’t take this anymore. We have to find a cure. And we have to do it now.
  • Know your role, but don’t take crap from anyone. Especially members of the opposite sex.   I’m taking my pink princess cell phone to bed because I have to call my boss first thing in the morning.  My boss is Adeline.  I like it to be her because no boy can be the boss of ME!
  • Own your greatness.  Ball-to-the chain, ball-to-the-chain, ball-to-the-chain. Stop.  Now, you applaud.
  • Be grateful for what you have.  I’m Godding bless all the people in HAT-e.
  • The world is a pretty awesome place.  Except for a few sketchy states out west.  I like North Carolina.  We don’t have bad things here.  All monsters, snakes and witches?  They live in Utah.
  • Despite what you may have heard, parenting is not difficult.  How hard could it be?  You just have to play with some kids and cook a few dinners.

6 Responses

  1. I always suspected that about Utah.

    And, I fully support demanding applause when we feel we should get it. Life is too full of being under-appreciated. To heck with that.

    • Yes, Utah is positively littered with monsters. And mountains. Yes, I just Googled it. There are definitely mountains, which means there are way too many places for those scary creatures to hide. Unless you’re a skier. Then maybe you can outrun them, making it worth the risk 🙂

  2. Your kids have managed to say so many hilarious things over the years. I hope Luke says as many funny things. I’m gonna need a good laugh after all of this sleep dep!

    • You can count on many moments of comic relief in your future. Just be sure to grab a journal or open a file and write them all down. Sadly, I’ve forgotten three times as many as I remember.

  3. the Utah line had me busting a gut… love your blog 🙂

    • Oh yes, the four year old is a bubbling spring of comedic material. Thanks so much for stopping by 🙂

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